Monday

Since Vice President Cheney seems to have no interest in becoming President in 2008, who would you like to see follow you in office? Which Republican would be the best choice to continue to advance your policies?
—Tallest String


Mr. String I'm glad you asked that.

I know a lot of you think I'm going to support my chubby little brother Jeb for the job. Frankly, I don't believe nepotism has any place in American politics. Just cause we're related don't give Jeb a jump on everyone else.

What I'd like to see is someone who shares my firm beliefs, my vision for an America free of Constitutional restraints, someone who is flexible, a person who understands there's a time and place for freedom and democracy as well as torture and spying.

I'd also like to see a woman as president, a compassionate conservative like myself.

For these reasons, I see no reason why the next Republican nominee for president should not be Laura Bush.

Being a librarian, Laura's read a lot of book titles. She knows how to organize. She's often said she thinks America would be a better country if it was organized under the Dewey Decimal System. For all I know, she might be right.

Wednesday

In a recent speech, you stated that you "accept blame for sending troops into Iraq based on faulty intelligence". What exactly does accepting blame mean?
—Lily Ovdawest


Ms. Ovdawest, I'm glad you asked that.

Well over 2,000 U.S. troops have died and 15,000 wounded based on this administration's mistake. Thirty thousand Iraqis or so have also died but that's neither here nor there. The point is I take responsibility. The buck stops with me. So I'm going to make it right.

My staff is currently looking for someone in the CIA we can fire. Whoever this person is, he's going to be fired without two weeks' notice and without a severance package. I know this sounds tough but that's what taking responsibility is all about.

I've also spoken to Vice President Cheney and he has assured me this won't happen again.

However, just because we entered Iraq by mistake doesn't mean we can say "sorry" and just withdraw our troops. We have to keep fighting for our cause, which is the removal of Saddam Hussein from power making the world a safer place.

I know what you're thinking. You're saying, we've removed Saddam so why can't we just leave. Well, there's a good reason to stay and fight. The reason is, we have a plan for victory. so until the United States is victorious, we must remain in Iraq.

I hope this clears everything up.
I understand you have a plan for winning the War in Iraq. Care to share it with us?
—R. Little


Mr. or Ms. Little, I'm glad you asked that.

I have a jim dandy plan for winning the War.

When America first went into Iraq, we had shock and awe. We just bombed the living heck out of those folks. Then after a few weeks, we just quit the shocking and awing. I think that's been our problem.

We've got to go back to doing what we do best, which is bombing and killing a lot more Iraqis. I mean how do we ever expect to beat Iraq in this war if we're not killing a lot more of them people?

So under my plan, we've set a quota for the military — 10,000 Iraqis dead per week until they say Uncle. I believe this is what America's been waiting for.

Friday

How do you feel about your popularity being less than 40%?
—Jerry Mander


Mr. Mander, I'm glad you asked be that.

At this stage of my career, popularity means less than zero. I've already been re-elected and I can't run again.

I've already accomplished what I set out to do, which is be a two-term president.

I was elected twice to the presidency and my Daddy was elected only once. I was elected twice and Jimmy Carter was elected only once. I was elected twice and John F. Kennedy was only elected once.

I'm better than all of them.

Thursday

Mr. President:
How did you arrange to have your mother's photo on the $1 bill?
Signed,
—Your Biggest Fan - Ever!!


Biggest Fan, I appreciate your sentiments.

Although my mom would feel complimented by your question, I have to tell you that the $1 bill actually contains a photograph of one of America's most important presidents and my namesake—George Walker Washington or as he was called by his slaves, Dubya.

Interesting enough, George W. Washington also started a war against a vicious dictator and another namesake, King George Walker III of England.

As a student of history, I like to learn from the past. If George Walker Washington had not attacked England back in 177-something, America would not have democracy and freedom.

Today, England is among our closest friends. I expect in 200 years, Iraq will be among our closest friends.

My daddy, President George Bush the First, did not have that "vision thing". I have it in spades. That's why I'm looking 200 years down the road.


Dear George (Can I call you that? I feel very close to you..),

I really like what you had to say about France.
The problem is that I am very confused as to what the intentions of God are. According to your logic, He wiped out New Orleans with Katrina because it needed to be reconstructed... doesnt that mean that The Twin Towers could have been demolished for a similar reason? Like maybe they were interferring with God's view of the White House or something.

God is all powerful, all knowing, and wholly good... and since he hasnt taken any action to prevent these things, then they must be what he intends to happen. It is all beginning to seem more and more sadistic-- but since he is wholly good... then.... does that mean it is ok to be sadistic???!?!?

Oh my head hurts. You are so much wiser about these things than I am.. so maybe you can clarify all this mess about intentions for me.
—Christine in Phoenix



Christine, you bring up some interesting points.

I won't pretend to claim I understand God totally, only mostly.

First off, the destruction of New Orleans was an act of God. The destruction of the Twin Towers was the work of Satan.

God controls natural forces like hurricanes and earthquakes while Satan controls evil like terrorists and other evil-doers.

Hurricanes and earthquakes are generally unleashed by God to teach sinful people lessons whereas Satan unleashes terrorists to hurt good people like Americans.

To truly understand God, you must transcend to another plane where logic and rational thought are meaningless. Once you've reached the plane of faith, only then can you rejoice in the goodness of God—hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, Sunday school buses falling into canyons and all.

(Got any questions for the President? Leave them in comments.)

Wednesday

If you were really G.Bush you wouldn't have the time to do a blog!
—Anonymous


Mr. Anonymous, I'm glad you brought up that point.

As leader of the Free World, I must admit time is hard to come by.

Fundamentally, I have to allow nine hours a night for sleep, two hours a day for gymnastics, three hours a day for meals.

I like to put in a full eight hours a day (during weekdays) at the office, minus the 45-minute nap after lunch. And sometimes, I'll spend an hour or two reading over stuff on Sundays before all the football games begin.

Yes, time is at a premium. But I find I can work on this blog when I'm traveling to Camp David or the Crawford Ranch for my weekend retreats or six-week vacations. And I am a multi-tasker. I can also write during the commercials of some of my favorite TV shows like The Young and the Restless.

I would hope you no longer doubt my veracity.



Mr. President-
What would your ideal America, in terms of religion and religious freedom be? What would the religious utopia of America consist of, and what would happen to the rest of the nation in return?
—Jacob, Nashville


Jacob, I'm glad you asked that. (Did you know your name is Biblical?)

The cornerstone of America has always been religious freedom — the freedom to worship God and despise those who do not.

What I'd like to see is America return to the Garden of Eden, protected by a ballistic missile defense shield of course.

I see no reason why more of the Bible cannot return to our daily lives. I'd love to see a football field that is 183 cubits long. Imagine "third down and four cubits to the goal line."

I'd like to see schools replace the study of evolution with Bibleution.

I like the Bible's laissez faire attitude toward slavery. Instead of keeping thousands of prisoners of war in cells, they could become useful slaves to Americans. I believe that could help America's productivity.

For those who do not share in this vision of an all-God, all-the-time America, Canada is always looking for immigrants.

(Got questions for the President. Leave them in Comments.)

Tuesday

Dear President,
When God talks to you, does he call on the phone, appear in person or is it more like a voice in your head?
—Anonymous


Mr. Anonymous, I'm glad you asked that question.

When I say God talks to me, I mean it metaforickally. In actual fact, God doesn't talk. He simply drops messages in my brain like instant messaging. Every once in a while, I pick up these messages from God and keep the ones I like and delete those that don't fit with administration policies.

I've got to admit my brain's trash bin is getting kind of full from God's deleted messages. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to figure out where the Empty Trash button is in my brain.
Dear Mr. President,
Being the God-Fearing Christian Authority that you are, what is your take on all the disasters going on lately? Surely New Orleans, being on American Soil, didnt earn God's wrath like say, what is happening in France right now. What gives?
—Christine in Phoenix


Christine, I'm glad you asked that.

If France had participated in the removal of Saddam Hussein along with our other allies such as Tonga and Italy, there would have been no need for the Muslims in France to rise up and riot. The Muslims in France would have known that democratic, freedom-loving countries like America and its allies love Muslim riff raff.

It's only because France did not support America's efforts in bringing democracy and freedom to Iraq that God is now punishing that country.

On the other hand, the hurricane that disrupted New Orleans is hardly a punishment from God. All the Christians in my cabinet agree that New Orleans was badly in need of urban renewal and God personally helped out with the demolition. It is under God's auspices that America is rebuilding New Orleans in His image—with bigger liquor glasses and cleaner bordellos than ever!

(Got a question for the President. Leave it in Comments)

Monday

Mr. President, I was wondering if you've ever failed at anything you've ever attempted?
—Pitt Laumann, Tulsa


Mr. Laumann, I'm glad you asked me that.

Folks look at me and all they see is SUCCESS. I married the prettiest girl in Midland, TX. (Don't tell Laura, heh, heh.) I made money in the oil business whether I found oil or not. When I owned the Texas Rangers, they were the best baseball team to never have won a World Series. Every execution during my Texas governorship went off on time and without a hitch. I became the only Bush to have won two presidential elections. Yup, success pretty well follows me around.

But in fact, I do have one failure that I've never talked about publicly before. So I welcome this opportunity to get it off my chest.

As you might remember 9/11 was a Tuesday, so I was getting ready to return to Washington from the Crawford Ranch. At the time that word arrived that the World Trade Center had been struck, I was reading a story to a bunch of kindergarteners.

After 15 minutes or so, I decided to personally look into the World Trade Center incident. The rest is history.

I never did finish reading that story to the kids. I pride myself on finishing what I start, so I consider that day a failure.

(Please leave your questions in the Comments.)

Sunday

Have you ever worn a little black dress from the Gap? And if so, how best can one remove irksome stains at low temperatures?
—M Lewinsky


Mr. or Ms. Lewinsky, I'm glad you asked these questions. (Do I know you? Your name sounds familiar.)

I've never worn a black dress from the Gap although on several occasions, Laura and I have swapped intimate apparel as I reckon most married couples do in the privacy of their bedroom under the tolerant eyes of God.

As for irksome stains, I called up Scooter Libby because he's now got lots of time on his hands and asked him to search out the Internet. Scooter suggested a mild solution of four parts warm water, one part ammonia and one part vinegar.

I hope this helps.

(Got something you want to ask me? Leave it in Comments.)
I read somewhere that you have an iq of 93, which makes you slightly less clever than a gorilla, although probably quite a bit cleverer than an elephant. Is that true and if so how does that make you feel?
—GreatSheElephant, London


Ms. GreatSheElephant, I'm glad you asked that.

Folks have been making fun of my intelligence all along and I'm starting to resent it. So let me just set the record straight.

Throughout college, my marks were always within the TOP THREE quartiles of the class. If that don't tell you something, nothing will.

Friday

Mr. President: Where is Osama bin Ladin, and why haven't we caught him yet?
—Anonymous


Mr. Anonymous, I'm glad you asked that question.

United Stats intelligence is second to none. And I'm getting sick and tired of folks suggesting we invaded Iraq because we're unable to find America's most hated criminal. Fact is, we know exactly where Mr. bin Laden is. He's at the Tora Bora Comfort Inn, Room 221. He registered under the name Allan Fineberg.

We are saving his arrest for an important occasion such as the indictment of either Karl Rove or Dick Cheney or the mid-term Congressional elections.



Mr. President: Why do you keep saying that you are going to bring our troops back from Iraq, but keep sending more over? You seem to be more of a flip-flopper than Kerry, please explain yourself.
—Concerned Citizen


Concerned citizen, I'm glad you brought up that point.

I don't see any inconsistency or "flip-flopping" in our Iraq policy.

Currently, all the troops serving in Iraq have last names beginning with the letters A to G. We will soon be bringing back these troops. The troops we'll be sending over have last names begining with the letters H to P — completely different troops.



Mr. President, I have two questions. First, what do you plan to do about the current gas situation. Second, what is your reaction to "Sweet Neo Con," from the new Rolling Stones album, A Bigger Bang
—Volgolfer


Mr. Volgolfer, I'm glad you asked me those questions.

Regarding the gas situation, I have been working hard to increase prices at the pump to discourage energy use. If you knew anything about economics as I do, you'd know that higher prices lead to less usage which saves our environment. For my legacy, I want to be known as the environmental president. (And I don't think it's funny when folks refer to me as just the mental president.) High gas prices limits driving to those who can afford to drive— usually folks who own Hummers and SUVs, so we have fewer vehicles on the road which cuts down on accidents and pollution.

Regarding the Rolling Stones, I don't think America needs perverted, drug-doing English perverts to tell us anything about our politics. Although "Sweet Neo Con" does have a cool bass line.

(Got questions for the President? Drop them off in Comments.)

Thursday

Sir, what exactly do you think of Tony Blair?
—GreatSheElephant, London, England


Ms. GreatSheElephent, I'm glad you asked me that.

In my gut, I know I should never have trusted a socialist. But he spoke American so nicely, I figured he was a fine, upstanding politician despite being close to a communist.

A couple years ago, right out of the blue, Tony called me up while I was right in the middle of a round of golf and said he had information that Saddam Hussein was spotted in Africa trying to buy uranium to build nucular bombs.

Right then and there I said to my caddy, we've got to invade Iraq. We've got to stop nucular prolifer...spread.

Now, I'm not sorry we invaded Iraq to bring those folks freedom and democracy. I'm just saying that if Tony Blair had kept his big damn trap shut, we wouldn't be in this fine mess.

(Got questions for the President? Leave them in Comments.)

Wednesday

Mr. President, what are your feelings about Rosa Parks?
—Lincoln Johnson


Mr. Johnson, I'm glad you asked me that.

I happen to be in favor of all parks, national or state. However, due to our current energy crisis, I believe it's imperative to drill for oil wherever it may exist. Although I do not know if oil exists in Rosa Parks, I hope that if it does, there will be no opposition to drilling.

(Got a question for me. Drop it in Comments.)
Is your mother really a man? And is she really younger than your father? I thought Babs was really old, even when she was First ____.
Do you and Jeb get along? Why is he so much more attractive than you? Do you still eat pretzels. Is North Korea a real country or something made up for M.A.S.H by Alan Alda? Is the White House always as clean as it looks on t.v.? Do you have a game room? Recently, I went to D.C., and have a really big question... how can all the landscaping look so manicured when it's obvious there is a very small Mexican population in D.C.?
—VRNATL


VRNATL, you ask some mighty interesting questions. For now, let me deal with the pretzels issue.

A lot of Americans may not know that the pretzel that nearly killed me was traced to a terrorist with links to Saddam Hussein. That terrorist is now in Gitmo spilling the beans on snack foods that can kill.

Homeland Security has put out an advisory on a number of snack foods that may have been adulterated by terrorists including beer nuts and barbecue flavored potatoe chips.

To answer your question, I do not eat pretzels any more. I've come to believe they are unChristian and unAmerican.

(If you've got any questions you'd like to ask the President of the United Stats, just leave it in the Comments section.)

Tuesday

Mr. President, do you think my 16-year old daughter should kiss on a first date?
Ned Turner, Kansas City


Ned, I'm glad you asked that.

When I'm not leading the greatest nation in the world, I take a keen interest in family matters.

I'm assuming you are of good Christian stock, so I'm just going to repeat what the Bible says on the matter. I'm just paraphrasing but the Bible says that "if a woman who is unmarried tarnishes her lips with the lips of a man who does not intend to marry her, she is no more than a whore."

Now, not all 16-year old girls who kiss on the first date are whores but it would be darn hard to prove it.

I hope this helped.

(If you've got any questions you'd like to ask the President of the United Stats, just leave it in the Comments section.)